How to Lose All Your Friends and Die Alone


Ok, listen. I get it. Social media is “in.” Friends are “cool.” People who need people are the…

Oh, bloody Hell. Less than a dozen lines into this thing and I’m THIS close to quoting show tunes? From Streisand?! Christ on a stick, kill me now.


So it seems like you can’t go three seconds in Portland without hearing about the latest and greatest social media tool hittin’ the street. Can’t even throw a rock in this town without hitting a social media expert. We blog, we tweet, we IM… We have 8.7 million ways to interact with people and foster new relationships.

But who the hell would want to do that?

People always want stuff. Your money, your trust, your affections… Who has time for that? Not Our Hero, that’s for sure.

And that’s why I’ve spent my nearly-35 years on this planet perfecting the art of eliminating all social interactions from my life. Sure, I used to be like many of you, with friends and colleagues and only a few restraining orders filed against me, but I’ve since seen the light. That bright, warm light of loneliness (best experienced through the upturned bottom of a pint, of course)…

So give me 5 minutes and 20 slides, and I’ll teach you everything you need to know to ensure that you die alone.

Justin Stanley

Affiliation Affiliation? Um, trying to die alone here... Whole point is to avoid affiliating.

Justin is an IT pro, freelance writer, and big fat dork born and bred in the Northwest. He’s also a husband, a father, and he’s never ever owned an umbrella.